As any teenage mom, I honestly did not take the surprise of my pregnancy well (even though at 20, you could call it pretty legal).
But that was because of other people's expectations of me. I myself did not have any for me. I was giving up back then... on school and my future. I wanted to take a break from everything. I was out of focus.
Yet when my mother's OB-G (and family friend) told us to forget about abortion, I was the first to be convinced. And I drew courage from her words, even if my mother was stubborn for a little while longer.
I am glad we are Christian.
That same day I first saw our little sweetheart, Kadence (name still incomplete). I had my first ultrasound.
He was already existing for 2 months. I saw his form, his movement, heard his heart beat. I think I fell in love at first sight :)
It may not sound charming but I am being truthful. From that day on, I became dedicated to my pregnancy and I am happier than when I wasn't pregnant.
I don't care what people think. I am telling the world that my child is my happiness, and so is my lover, Kurt, and that alone is enough inspiration for me to keep wanting to live.
***If you were wondering what the title of this entry means, it's "Love at First Sight" in German. Prost!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
introverts and art
My boyfriend, Kurt, posted The Stranger's Confessions of an Extreme Introvert on Facebook, and after I read it, I realized more about him, and more about myself.
I am not an extreme introvert, neither am I an introvert. He is, but also not extreme.
I think we both used to be slightly like the girl in the mentioned blog... I changed (if that's even possible -- maybe I wasn't an introvert in the first place, but just really mistaken) and he just learned to embrace his extroversion (if that's even possible, too -- being both extra and introvert).
When Kurt is too long out of his comfort zone, he tends to tire. I might have been like that, but not physically exhausted, just bored of what I'm not used to doing.
I used to enjoy solitude, until it became damaging. But I still long for it at times.
There were days when I could fill entire sketchpad pages and half of my school notes with doodles, and words, lyrics, or really expressive illustrations... I used to make a lot of poems, that I wanted to morph into songs one day. In that state, I was more inspired, somehow, because whenever I try to doodle out of boredom, I am not as satisfied with the outcome. I tell myself "I know I am capable of sketching that down better than this, I know I have before." And I can't bring myself to fill the page. So I surmise it's not a hobby, not a skill, but something that is born out of real concentration, which introverts constantly attain, and which I now only attain when I sit somewhere in silence for quite some time, focusing on things happening around me. All the other times, I am very distracted.
By the way, Kurt wrote a lot of good songs -- I wish I had a professional recording device, or studio to make him famous, because his songs are pure love and awesomeness -- and I get all excited when he's working on a new one. But recently he says he can't come up with anything good.
What I am thinking is that true introverts are the real artists, and if they are disturbed, and forced to become extroverts, they don't produce the same genius things. I think that's their significance, and I would sit in silence for one whole day with Kurt, if it meant he would come up with more songs, poetry or perhaps, drawings.
I am not an extreme introvert, neither am I an introvert. He is, but also not extreme.
I think we both used to be slightly like the girl in the mentioned blog... I changed (if that's even possible -- maybe I wasn't an introvert in the first place, but just really mistaken) and he just learned to embrace his extroversion (if that's even possible, too -- being both extra and introvert).
When Kurt is too long out of his comfort zone, he tends to tire. I might have been like that, but not physically exhausted, just bored of what I'm not used to doing.
I used to enjoy solitude, until it became damaging. But I still long for it at times.
There were days when I could fill entire sketchpad pages and half of my school notes with doodles, and words, lyrics, or really expressive illustrations... I used to make a lot of poems, that I wanted to morph into songs one day. In that state, I was more inspired, somehow, because whenever I try to doodle out of boredom, I am not as satisfied with the outcome. I tell myself "I know I am capable of sketching that down better than this, I know I have before." And I can't bring myself to fill the page. So I surmise it's not a hobby, not a skill, but something that is born out of real concentration, which introverts constantly attain, and which I now only attain when I sit somewhere in silence for quite some time, focusing on things happening around me. All the other times, I am very distracted.
By the way, Kurt wrote a lot of good songs -- I wish I had a professional recording device, or studio to make him famous, because his songs are pure love and awesomeness -- and I get all excited when he's working on a new one. But recently he says he can't come up with anything good.
What I am thinking is that true introverts are the real artists, and if they are disturbed, and forced to become extroverts, they don't produce the same genius things. I think that's their significance, and I would sit in silence for one whole day with Kurt, if it meant he would come up with more songs, poetry or perhaps, drawings.
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