As any teenage mom, I honestly did not take the surprise of my pregnancy well (even though at 20, you could call it pretty legal).
But that was because of other people's expectations of me. I myself did not have any for me. I was giving up back then... on school and my future. I wanted to take a break from everything. I was out of focus.
Yet when my mother's OB-G (and family friend) told us to forget about abortion, I was the first to be convinced. And I drew courage from her words, even if my mother was stubborn for a little while longer.
I am glad we are Christian.
That same day I first saw our little sweetheart, Kadence (name still incomplete). I had my first ultrasound.
He was already existing for 2 months. I saw his form, his movement, heard his heart beat. I think I fell in love at first sight :)
It may not sound charming but I am being truthful. From that day on, I became dedicated to my pregnancy and I am happier than when I wasn't pregnant.
I don't care what people think. I am telling the world that my child is my happiness, and so is my lover, Kurt, and that alone is enough inspiration for me to keep wanting to live.
***If you were wondering what the title of this entry means, it's "Love at First Sight" in German. Prost!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
introverts and art
My boyfriend, Kurt, posted The Stranger's Confessions of an Extreme Introvert on Facebook, and after I read it, I realized more about him, and more about myself.
I am not an extreme introvert, neither am I an introvert. He is, but also not extreme.
I think we both used to be slightly like the girl in the mentioned blog... I changed (if that's even possible -- maybe I wasn't an introvert in the first place, but just really mistaken) and he just learned to embrace his extroversion (if that's even possible, too -- being both extra and introvert).
When Kurt is too long out of his comfort zone, he tends to tire. I might have been like that, but not physically exhausted, just bored of what I'm not used to doing.
I used to enjoy solitude, until it became damaging. But I still long for it at times.
There were days when I could fill entire sketchpad pages and half of my school notes with doodles, and words, lyrics, or really expressive illustrations... I used to make a lot of poems, that I wanted to morph into songs one day. In that state, I was more inspired, somehow, because whenever I try to doodle out of boredom, I am not as satisfied with the outcome. I tell myself "I know I am capable of sketching that down better than this, I know I have before." And I can't bring myself to fill the page. So I surmise it's not a hobby, not a skill, but something that is born out of real concentration, which introverts constantly attain, and which I now only attain when I sit somewhere in silence for quite some time, focusing on things happening around me. All the other times, I am very distracted.
By the way, Kurt wrote a lot of good songs -- I wish I had a professional recording device, or studio to make him famous, because his songs are pure love and awesomeness -- and I get all excited when he's working on a new one. But recently he says he can't come up with anything good.
What I am thinking is that true introverts are the real artists, and if they are disturbed, and forced to become extroverts, they don't produce the same genius things. I think that's their significance, and I would sit in silence for one whole day with Kurt, if it meant he would come up with more songs, poetry or perhaps, drawings.
I am not an extreme introvert, neither am I an introvert. He is, but also not extreme.
I think we both used to be slightly like the girl in the mentioned blog... I changed (if that's even possible -- maybe I wasn't an introvert in the first place, but just really mistaken) and he just learned to embrace his extroversion (if that's even possible, too -- being both extra and introvert).
When Kurt is too long out of his comfort zone, he tends to tire. I might have been like that, but not physically exhausted, just bored of what I'm not used to doing.
I used to enjoy solitude, until it became damaging. But I still long for it at times.
There were days when I could fill entire sketchpad pages and half of my school notes with doodles, and words, lyrics, or really expressive illustrations... I used to make a lot of poems, that I wanted to morph into songs one day. In that state, I was more inspired, somehow, because whenever I try to doodle out of boredom, I am not as satisfied with the outcome. I tell myself "I know I am capable of sketching that down better than this, I know I have before." And I can't bring myself to fill the page. So I surmise it's not a hobby, not a skill, but something that is born out of real concentration, which introverts constantly attain, and which I now only attain when I sit somewhere in silence for quite some time, focusing on things happening around me. All the other times, I am very distracted.
By the way, Kurt wrote a lot of good songs -- I wish I had a professional recording device, or studio to make him famous, because his songs are pure love and awesomeness -- and I get all excited when he's working on a new one. But recently he says he can't come up with anything good.
What I am thinking is that true introverts are the real artists, and if they are disturbed, and forced to become extroverts, they don't produce the same genius things. I think that's their significance, and I would sit in silence for one whole day with Kurt, if it meant he would come up with more songs, poetry or perhaps, drawings.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Comfort World
This would be my comfort zone, were it real
---
If I could make my own little community, it would have meadows and gardens or parks with playgrounds, trees and flowers, even if it was a city. The sun would be beautiful and bright but not hot. Blue sky filled with fluffy clouds, and a steady breeze. The evening sky would be filled with stars.
There would be a bakery, a coffee shop, a grocery store, a library or book store, and a mall, all only a few blocks away. It would be safe enough to just walk to these places. A few bars for nightlife too, not too rowdy but fun.
My workplace would be farther beyond the shops, but less than an hour drive away. So would a school and a hospital be.
It would always be in a safe distance from home. So I could take my time getting off work, not in a rush to avoid heavy traffic.
My house would be a two-storey one with front and back yards, or a simple modern flat with a terrace and a nice view of the parks.
The people living on the same street as me would know one another, and exchange friendly greetings on weekend mornings when checking the mail, or having coffee on the porch, or when someone jogs by, when everyone is just wanting to relax.
A train would track along the cities, connecting them. Beautiful preserved landscape, and the view of a vast lake or river (where the people can also go swimming, fishing, boating, or camping) on the way to visiting a relative on the other side of the country.
---
If I could make my own little community, it would have meadows and gardens or parks with playgrounds, trees and flowers, even if it was a city. The sun would be beautiful and bright but not hot. Blue sky filled with fluffy clouds, and a steady breeze. The evening sky would be filled with stars.
There would be a bakery, a coffee shop, a grocery store, a library or book store, and a mall, all only a few blocks away. It would be safe enough to just walk to these places. A few bars for nightlife too, not too rowdy but fun.
My workplace would be farther beyond the shops, but less than an hour drive away. So would a school and a hospital be.
It would always be in a safe distance from home. So I could take my time getting off work, not in a rush to avoid heavy traffic.
My house would be a two-storey one with front and back yards, or a simple modern flat with a terrace and a nice view of the parks.
The people living on the same street as me would know one another, and exchange friendly greetings on weekend mornings when checking the mail, or having coffee on the porch, or when someone jogs by, when everyone is just wanting to relax.
A train would track along the cities, connecting them. Beautiful preserved landscape, and the view of a vast lake or river (where the people can also go swimming, fishing, boating, or camping) on the way to visiting a relative on the other side of the country.
Friendship
When people we care about are facing man-to-man troubles, we usually tell them not to stoop down to the enemy's level, because it's adding fuel to the fire.
But I think if fighting back and voicing out their opinions makes them feel better about themselves we should let them. There is nothing better than letting your friends be themselves and work their way through struggles independently. All we should do as friends is comfort and encourage strength.
***As of today [January 14, 2013], I have no memory of posting this, or ever having a thought like this. But I know why I did. I like it, and I couldn't agree more with myself.
But I think if fighting back and voicing out their opinions makes them feel better about themselves we should let them. There is nothing better than letting your friends be themselves and work their way through struggles independently. All we should do as friends is comfort and encourage strength.
***As of today [January 14, 2013], I have no memory of posting this, or ever having a thought like this. But I know why I did. I like it, and I couldn't agree more with myself.
Words to live by #1
I am where I am and I do what I do, and I have to trust the Lord that everything will be well.
Otherwise, He would have placed me somewhere else.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Procrastinating
Song for this specific post: Sandwich - Procrastinator ;)
---
It is funny how I don't put off work which I think isn't my job, or is too boring, or doesn't teach me anything useful. But when it comes to starting a book, or finishing one I'm having the hardest time.
So I searched google for "Reasons why we procrastinate" and mentioned on a page I happened to open were some of those mentioned earlier. But none were applicable to reading a book!
I love reading, and I have finished a lot of books, even if I didn't like them, even if they were fat books, even if they were a burden to carry around. Haha.
I know that I finish them because 1) I bought them. 2) I am bored. 3) I have enough time at the moment. 4) I am interested in the story (the book is a page-turner). etc...
My boyfriend knows I keep buying books, and don't finish them. I never do, because I buy 1 to 5 at a time, without finishing any of the previously bought. So my reading list is bottomless. LOL
Not only do I buy, but I even borrow some. And I borrowed several from him, including Chicken Soup for the Soul, and Christian books.
My book shelve keeps refilling. And he reminded me of this ugly habit of mine last month, so I am trying to stop buying and start reading.
From the borrowed list, I have already started reading Chicken Soup for a Woman's Soul, but didn't finish it. But I almost did. Haha. I can't finish it though, because I left the book at home, and I can't get to it right now. So I moved on to the next one off the borrowed list: The Shack, of which I have read a couple of chapters. And then I bought Saffron Skies. *fail* Also, my cousin gave me a copy of Live Laugh Love.
I have not touched the latter two, though, and I am trying to finish The Shack at the moment. But I can't get myself to do it. Hence, this post.
It is interesting, and the first few chapters I went through rather swiftly, but now I am stuck.
It might be because I started doing my on-the-job training for school, and it's really keeping me busy.
But I also think it's because the story, and conversations entailed in it are too complex for me.
I am tempted to move on to the next book.
But I will try to finish it this weekend. I already have it right here next to me, and I can't seem to open it. Haha. How many people feel like I do?
---
It is funny how I don't put off work which I think isn't my job, or is too boring, or doesn't teach me anything useful. But when it comes to starting a book, or finishing one I'm having the hardest time.
So I searched google for "Reasons why we procrastinate" and mentioned on a page I happened to open were some of those mentioned earlier. But none were applicable to reading a book!
I love reading, and I have finished a lot of books, even if I didn't like them, even if they were fat books, even if they were a burden to carry around. Haha.
I know that I finish them because 1) I bought them. 2) I am bored. 3) I have enough time at the moment. 4) I am interested in the story (the book is a page-turner). etc...
My boyfriend knows I keep buying books, and don't finish them. I never do, because I buy 1 to 5 at a time, without finishing any of the previously bought. So my reading list is bottomless. LOL
Not only do I buy, but I even borrow some. And I borrowed several from him, including Chicken Soup for the Soul, and Christian books.
My book shelve keeps refilling. And he reminded me of this ugly habit of mine last month, so I am trying to stop buying and start reading.
From the borrowed list, I have already started reading Chicken Soup for a Woman's Soul, but didn't finish it. But I almost did. Haha. I can't finish it though, because I left the book at home, and I can't get to it right now. So I moved on to the next one off the borrowed list: The Shack, of which I have read a couple of chapters. And then I bought Saffron Skies. *fail* Also, my cousin gave me a copy of Live Laugh Love.
I have not touched the latter two, though, and I am trying to finish The Shack at the moment. But I can't get myself to do it. Hence, this post.
It is interesting, and the first few chapters I went through rather swiftly, but now I am stuck.
It might be because I started doing my on-the-job training for school, and it's really keeping me busy.
But I also think it's because the story, and conversations entailed in it are too complex for me.
I am tempted to move on to the next book.
But I will try to finish it this weekend. I already have it right here next to me, and I can't seem to open it. Haha. How many people feel like I do?
Me time
What I hate the most is not getting relaxation when I think I have earned it...
But I also want to frequently relax for my baby's sake. He's not yet born... and I think when I'm miserable he gets affected.
Yet everything, and everyone is not helping at all.
Top of the list is the thing about my family splitting apart... (see previous entry). I know that even if I'm not constantly making thoughts about it since I already got it off my chest, the weight of it lingers.
Next is, I am currently doing my on-the-job training for school, and the work I get is office work, (fortunately not work that requires me to move around a lot) but it's stressful, and not exactly healthy.
I work with machines, so there' no escape from radiation. I already stopped using the Photocopy machine, and work with the scanner... but what difference does that really make?
The traffic going to and fro from work is also terrible, and strenuous.
I feel so worn out. I haven't had a real vacation from school since last year. I enrolled in every consecutive semester. No summer breaks. Just 2-week sem-break filled with assignments.
Also, there's a lot of people always up on my grill.
My mother is still nagging me, despite the distance, and doesn't think about the timing when she tells me bad news.
The maid at the place I'm staying at has a personality that I'm in the least way fond of, but I have no other place to stay at the moment. Plus there's so many people in this freaking city that are just so rude and inconsiderate, I am having a hard time using public transport, and sometimes feeling pain, which worries me the most. I pray a lot and apologize a lot to my baby because I don't know if I'm hurting him or anything...
Then I find out I disappoint the person I love, when I thought I was doing everything right. The circumstances keep bringing me down, and there's a lot more little fuss related to my pregnancy which I try to leave out, since there's already too much to fret about.
Obviously not a lot of good stuff going on right now.
Why do people not think about my pregnancy, and how hard it is? Do I not deserve to be treated a little better, since I'm carrying a baby inside me?
My life is moving too fast for me, and I think for the little one as well... I'm feeling awful, and like a terrible mother... Because I can't even just settle down on a Friday evening, and enjoy my weekend, and listen to classical music with him. If only I could have complete solitude like this, for an entire week... I'm not really trying too hard at all, but I can't get anything done. I need more time for myself.
The thing I want the most right this instant is to make my baby feel better than I do, but I have to stop crying first.
But I also want to frequently relax for my baby's sake. He's not yet born... and I think when I'm miserable he gets affected.
Yet everything, and everyone is not helping at all.
Top of the list is the thing about my family splitting apart... (see previous entry). I know that even if I'm not constantly making thoughts about it since I already got it off my chest, the weight of it lingers.
Next is, I am currently doing my on-the-job training for school, and the work I get is office work, (fortunately not work that requires me to move around a lot) but it's stressful, and not exactly healthy.
I work with machines, so there' no escape from radiation. I already stopped using the Photocopy machine, and work with the scanner... but what difference does that really make?
The traffic going to and fro from work is also terrible, and strenuous.
I feel so worn out. I haven't had a real vacation from school since last year. I enrolled in every consecutive semester. No summer breaks. Just 2-week sem-break filled with assignments.
Also, there's a lot of people always up on my grill.
My mother is still nagging me, despite the distance, and doesn't think about the timing when she tells me bad news.
The maid at the place I'm staying at has a personality that I'm in the least way fond of, but I have no other place to stay at the moment. Plus there's so many people in this freaking city that are just so rude and inconsiderate, I am having a hard time using public transport, and sometimes feeling pain, which worries me the most. I pray a lot and apologize a lot to my baby because I don't know if I'm hurting him or anything...
Then I find out I disappoint the person I love, when I thought I was doing everything right. The circumstances keep bringing me down, and there's a lot more little fuss related to my pregnancy which I try to leave out, since there's already too much to fret about.
Obviously not a lot of good stuff going on right now.
Why do people not think about my pregnancy, and how hard it is? Do I not deserve to be treated a little better, since I'm carrying a baby inside me?
My life is moving too fast for me, and I think for the little one as well... I'm feeling awful, and like a terrible mother... Because I can't even just settle down on a Friday evening, and enjoy my weekend, and listen to classical music with him. If only I could have complete solitude like this, for an entire week... I'm not really trying too hard at all, but I can't get anything done. I need more time for myself.
The thing I want the most right this instant is to make my baby feel better than I do, but I have to stop crying first.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Foreword-ish
I have blogged before, but that was a long time ago.
I did, only because I wanted to put my thoughts into writing, so as to not forget who I am, and what my original opinions are, to see if I have changed over the years.
Sadly, I deleted all blogs I have ever made.
So here I am starting from a fresh point. I have decided that this is the perfect time to begin once more, since I am most inspired at the moment, having just found out that the little person that is growing inside my belly is a beautiful, healthy boy :)
The time is currently 22:42, and it is a little past my prenatal bed time. So, posting about my insights from the past and all that was bottled up will have to wait.
Good night.
I did, only because I wanted to put my thoughts into writing, so as to not forget who I am, and what my original opinions are, to see if I have changed over the years.
Sadly, I deleted all blogs I have ever made.
So here I am starting from a fresh point. I have decided that this is the perfect time to begin once more, since I am most inspired at the moment, having just found out that the little person that is growing inside my belly is a beautiful, healthy boy :)
The time is currently 22:42, and it is a little past my prenatal bed time. So, posting about my insights from the past and all that was bottled up will have to wait.
Good night.
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